Infamous, Zaraki Squad
by The Power of Three '95
Summary: A one-shot Collection of the Squad that dosen't know the meaning of fear. Join the strongest Captain of all the Seireitei, Kenpachi Zaraki with his pink haired Yachiru, his proud Third Seat Ikkaku and beautiful Fith Seat Yumichika in their every day life!
1. Chapter 1

**hiya! thanx for cliking and welcome to squad eleven's ONE-shot colloection! Enjoy and review for support!**

**I no ownie Squad Eleven. No ownie any of it!**

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><p><strong>1. Zaraki Men<strong>

Bad looking Soul Reapers all settled down inside the training room in long lines as a bold man walked in front of the firm of officers without bothering to check if they were following him with the eyes. When the Third seat Madarame stopped at the center of the room to glare those week-dishonorable-rookies and their not so great Spiritual Pressures he sighed weary, "Well…_Eveni_ng you scumbags. As you all know you've been chosen to be part of the strongest Squad on the Seireitei, Squad Eleven. I'm you're third leader, Ikkaku Madarame. I'll be in charge of each and one of you and also be responsible of your strength test and daily duties. Once you've pass the exam and you've promoted to you're seat, you'll report early morning and late at night. As newcomers you won't sleep in three nights as part of the routine we give every year. First to whine, first to be transferred into another lowly graded Squad, _got __it_?"

Everyone nod in silence, and so Ikkaku proceeded. Walking slowly side by side, "You've should consider yourself _lucky_ to have been chosen to work under Captain Zaraki. Yes indeed you're _lucky_…" scoffed Madarame, "If you're strong enough, you'll be luckier to be the Captain's favorite and have a personal fight with him!"

Everyone exchanged disapproving looks at each other for the rumors back at the Academy regarding being the Captain's favorite didn't had a very happy ending, "Sadly, he won't be here tonight so you'll be ord-"

"Hey! Baldy you forgot _me_!"

Everyone spun their faces to the other end of the room from where a peaky voice had stroked the long gone attention. The pink haired girl was received with gasping waves and stunned faces. Until their eyes caught the lieutenant batch on her left arm they bowed abruptly, "EVENING, LIEUTENANT!"

On Yachiru's face a smile grew slowly and with a giggle she said to the crowd of newcomers, "YAY! More toys for Ken-chan to play with! HI! I'm Yachiru Kusajishi! I'm your lieutenant! And that's Baldy! _Hi __Baldy_!"

"_Lieuten_ant, stop playing around and come to give instructions!"

Yachiru giggled, "Ok!"

Once the Lieutenant stood aside with Madarame he preceded, "Al right, as I was sayi-"

"Ikkaku! Ikkaku!" everyone spun their heads once again to the other end of the room where a Soul Reaper with flat hair peeked his head from the door, "There you are Ikkaku. The Captain wanted you to write yesterday's report for today"

"Feather Face!"

"Yumichika, you ass, can't you see I'm busy with the rookies?" he snapped to the Fifth seat.

At gazing the Soul Reapers, Ayasegawa frowned, "Wow…all of them are so ugly. Tch, what a rip off…"

"Come Feather Face, _join __us, __join __us_!"

"_No_way! I'm not wasting my precious time with a bunch of _losers_" he said, in disgust, "I have _better_ things to do. Bye now…"

"Wait, _Yumichika_! Don't be so fucking gay!" but the door was sliced shut, before he could say anything else. All the Soul Reapers faces returned to the Third Seat who's face turned red of anger now, "He's so stubborn…Oh whatever. _Ehem__…_ as I was sa-"

"Chairwoman! Chairwoman, where are you?"

"_DAAAM_IT!"

The door again was sliced open revealing two ladies from another squad but with the same Lieutenant's insignia on their arm's side. One of the two had red curvy hair and two voluptuous breasts; the second one on the other hand was of black colored hair and round eyeglasses.

"Oh! Nana! Boobie! What are you doing here?" cried the joyful Yachiru from across the room as she waved her small hand tall in the air.

"Don't be stupid, Chairwoman. We were looking for you. The reunion's 'bout to start and you aren't even at the mansion!" said Nanao Ise.

"A reunion? ...OH! I almost forgot! MY baaad!"

"Well let's get going!" said Rangiku Matsumoto, "I'm hungry!"

"I'll be right there! Kay!"

By then Ikkaku's eye was already twitching and the vein in his temple almost burst out, "No more interruptions" he snapped between his teeth, "_NO __MORE_!"

Yachiru crossed the view at the room with her big ruby eyes before returning to her Third Seat, "Don't think so" she said.

Ikkaku took a deep and long breath, "…Anyway. As I was _saying_ to you scumbags, I'll be in charge of you 'till the day of you're death, on which you'll die _gloriously _by being on the Zaraki Squad. You're exams will be tomorrow. They'll test you're abilities and will guide us to give you the rank according to you're strength. Am I-?"

"_Hey_…What's this?"

"DAMMIT PEOPLE, CAN YOU LET ME FINISH MY SENTE-!"

But when the crowd of Soul Reapers spun their heads they all gasped and fell on their knees violently, "EVENING CAPTAIN SIR!" they all shouted simultaneously as the spike-haired Soul Reaper gazed them as they bowed and lifted his eyes to the guy that screamed at him, who, happened to be his Third Seat.

"_What_ did you say…_Ikkaku_?"

The Third Seat trembled from head to toe when he bent his hip in a bow, "Nothing, sir! What a surprise! Heh…"

"Hiiii, Ken-chan! These are the rookies! They're new and they're ugly!" Yachiru giggled to her fatherly Captain as he stared at the new officers walking by them.

"You bet they are" he murmured referring at their bad taste appearances, "_These_ weaklings are the new Reapers the Old Man send me? _Really_? ..._How __pathetic_…"

Some that already lifted their faces frowned in disapproval at the first bad impression the Captain gave at them. In his long pause and slow walke he analized every single one of the Soul Reaper's Spiritual Pressure's…and none of them could be compared even to a tenth seat. This make him feel despise at the poor quality Soul's that graduated these days. Once he stopped next to his Third seat and with his lieutenant climbed up on his shoulder, he spoke out, "Who of you are willing to die at my service?"

A long pause conquered the room. But then a low voice was herd, "…I-I would…sir"

Kenpachi turned to the source of the voice. The Soul Reaper was in the front line and the youngest of them all. By feeling the eyes all over him, he downcast. By the time the Captain's shadow cornered him as his length feet step further to him. The young short man swallowed when none other that the Captain's face leaned right in front of him. His eye glare berried on the poor kid's. With his soul screaming of fear inside he never dared to lift his stare up. Even then, Zaraki's breath covered his nose and mouth, "What's you're name, boy?"

The Soul Reaper's heart beat fast. He recalled the horrifying rumors he heard of this man, the blood thirsty Captain of the Eleventh, who, to his misfortune, was right at him asking for his name… "Takahashi. Takahashi Yamasaki, Sir"

"Yamasaki, you say?" he echoed tilting his name to one side, "Don't like the name…but you have guts kid. You spoke out for me, you of all these bitches…" Kenpachi backed away, as Yamasaki was stolen from his air, "So be it…" he said, "Dismiss"

"Y-Yes, Sir" and with this he ran out of the room.

Once closed the door, the rest of the crowd returned their gazes to the Captain, who cracked his finger knuckles, "As for the rest of you, filthy maggots, I won't be going easy on you. Nop, not in dreams. You won't be glad to serve me, then good. I'll make you remember this day…as the day you become Squad Eleven Men"

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	2. Tooth Fairy

**Hiya! Second chapter! Yay Its done! Enjoy XD!**

**Dont ownie Bleach Yada yada. Neither Kenpachi or Yachiru yada yada. Nuf said.. :3**

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><p><strong>Tooth Fairy<strong>

Yachiru gasped and turned abruptly to the mirror, holding her lip up with a finger and poking the front tooth with another. The white teeth easily responded to her finger tip's move even at the slightest. It almost seemed it was breaking from the bottom. She stepped backwards, fear conquering her as she hold the tooth in its place with her wet finger, "Keeen- chaaaaann! KEN-CHAAN!"

"…Agh. What is it _now_, runt?" a rough soar voice respond from the other side of the bathroom door. It was far enough that her hair was so damned messed up that it took him a whole hour to brush it straight, now this! "Dammit; it's getting late"

"My tooth, Ken-chan!" the girl replied panicked, "It's BROKEN! HELP ME!"

"_What_?" his voice was clearer than before, for his face seemed to be against the wooden wall, "Open the door."

Yachiru came down of the sink's top to the floor with a slight thud and walked to twist the door knob. Kenpachi was staring at her down, noticing her finger inside her mouth he frowned, tilting his chin to one side, "_What happened_?"

"Nothing, Ken-chan! I just touched it and know its flabby! See?" she pocked with the tip of her finger the loosen tooth. Kenpachi lifted his eye brows and glared at the little tooth that could be bowed forward and backwards with ease instead of being straight and strong as bone, like her very teeth that had the ability to crush even the hardest candy the kid enjoyed. Staring puzzled at the thing he squatted down to her height.

"Let me see" placing his own thick finger tip he pocked the small and fragile tooth that backed away from his push. The girl's saliva had soaked his finger when he pulled it out, without looking away from the little loosen tooth, thoughtfully.

"_SEE_?" she replied returning her finger to her mouth once again, "What should I do, Ken-chan?"

"Nothin'" he said.

"Huuh?"

"It's falling, Yachiru" he answered standing up again, "It's nothin' bad. Everybody loses their teeth at your age. Chill out"

"But…why? Did it happen to you?"

Kenpachi's eyebrows wrinkled together, "Of course… How else would I've gotten these?" with his finger he pulled his lower lips side down, exposing part of his jaw's enormous shark-like teeth to the little kid, who stared up awestruck at him.

"_Ooooh_… So I grow new ones? Is that it?"

"Yes." He noded, hiding his teeth again, "_Better_ ones. They move out so that another one can come in. Go it?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Alright, then hurry up. I don't wanna be late again"

"Aye, aye sir!"

. . .

That afternoon the Captain of the Eleventh was filling up reports as he struggled to keep his eye lids open when a peaky voice was heard from the corridor, "Ken-chaaaan! Ken-chaaan!"

He lifted his eyes to the door before it was slammed open, "Ken-chan, Ken-chan! Look what I've got!" she ran down to his desk's side, holding up her palm that carried a small white piece of something he couldn't devise even from a short distance. So he leaned forward, " Look, it's my tooth, Ken-chan! It finally came out! Bunny pulled it out with a door!"

Kenpachi lifted abruptly his frowned eyes at the child, "_Bunny pulled it with a door_?" he echoed slowly turning to glare the person at the door, who just happened to be Rukia Kuchiki.

At receiving the Captain's deathly eyes she folded her hip immediately, "Good afternoon, Captain Zaraki!" she said.

"And hear this!" he returned to his lieutenant, his eyes just the same, "Bunny said there's a tooth fairy that takes the fallen teeth! She said if you put it under your pillow at night the tooth fairy comes and takes it and when you wake up you find a coin!"

"What..." he spun to Byakuya's sister, "What the hell did you told her, Kuchiki?"

"Oh, C'mon, Ken-chan… Didn't the tooth fairy visit _you_ when you were _my_ age?" asked Yachiru tilting her head to one side with big sparkly eyes.

Kenpachi's eyes were emotionless, "I was an orphan, brat. Nobody told me those bullshits"

"But you didn't even believed in fairies?" both Yachiru and Kenpachi turned their heads to Rukia at the door.

Kenpachi scoffed, "Zombies. Ghosts. Demons. Dragons… Everything _but_ fairies"

"_Aww_. Too bad, Ken-chan! That's why she didn't _took_ your teeth! Aww, poor Ken-chan! Don't worry! If I see her tonight I'll tell her to give you a coin too!" Yachiru said to him, with her giant ruby eyes sparkling to contagious the excitement for the big offer.

"But, Lieutenant, if you don't sleep the tooth fairy wouldn't come. You need to be asleep!" Rukia replied, placing her hands on her hips.

Yachiru frowned in sadness, "_Really_? Aww. Then, sorry Ken-chan… Maybe next time, 'kay?"

Kenpachi's expression was as emotionless as a robot's, "Whatever" immediately he turned back to his paper work, sighing wearily as Yachiru ran off with her little friend out of the office.

Yachiru's head fell like a rock after she placed her tiny fallen tooth under her pillow. She pulled her sheets up to her chin, never leaving her smile behind. Her heart too excited to breath. Her senses too alert to join eyelids. Instead she up gazed the moon by the window, praying for the tooth fairy to remember her tonight. Her illusion kept her awakened for long minutes…time that seemed hours to the child.

But when she re called what Bunny had said to her she faced the struggle to fall into deep consciences, which came up as a dilemma. Her whole system was fully awaked. Her eye lids will just come up opened of boredom. But just when she got angry with herself…she fell right into the deep seas of dreams.

After the sun was only an hour away to lift up at the horizon and her snores became rhythmic and constant, the bedroom door hinge suddenly creaked open. The outside was as dark as the bedchamber. From the door Kenpachi walked in, so lightly, not to make any single sound with his bare feet. He crossed the bedroom filled with toys and childish drawings hanging in the walls up to Yachiru's bedside and falls to his knees as he leans forward. Her chest came upwards and down calmly, her pale nape was facing Kenpachi, which gave him more security of not being peeked by her closed eyelids.

Once he waited for any respond, he carefully buried his large hand under Yachiru's pillow and, biting his lower lip, pulled out with two fingers the small tooth. With the same precaution he placed a coin next to the pillow before pulling it below.

Yachiru's breathing steadily continued. Kenpachi sighed after her released the coin and sliced out his hand. He slowly stood at his feet and after slightly pulling upwards her sheets, he turn on his heels and left the bedchamber, the door hinge creaking behind him.

When he folded back to his chair sighing he placed the tiny tooth over his wooden desk and stared at it in blank. After some minutes he took out of his pocket a small ring box and laid the tooth inside. Closing it with a click he returns it down his pocket once again.

Sighing as he brushed his loosen hair back, he murmured to himself, "One out…plenty more to go"

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><p><strong>Time to ask for your REVIEWS, COMMENTS, LOLs, Critics, XDs, etc.<strong>

**More chapters are on their way sooo keep in touch!**


	3. A Manly Advice

**Sorry 4 being late folks! I had two paintings to complete, 4 feet tall but their finally done and so is this one shot!**

**Welcome once again! This time I got inspired by _Rock Musical Bleach: The Dark of the Bleeding Moon_ final score! It's pretty funny! Check Kenpachi out XD Nuf said enjoy!**

**Don't. .**

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><p><strong>A Manly Advice<strong>

The shadow of the three stories high building was lying on the trembling feet of the seventh seat Hanataro Yamada of Squad Four as he swallowed deep and perspired hard. He could identify the sound of dozens of swords clashing inside those walls and the yelling of thons of big jerk thugs capable of stepping his head flat under their big sandals. And worst of all, the colossus spiritual pressure compressed behind those walls was a menace so great this was reason enough to step back and turn on his heels…until a hand turned him back.

"No, Hanataro, we've _got_ to try" his partner said as he pulled him along with him, marching to the big entrance door, "We can't just leave without trying"

"But I don't want to go there!" Hanataro replied in panic, dragging his heels as he struggled for his release, "You can't make me! Oh c'mon Izuru let me go!"

"Cut it out Hanataro!" Izuru now pulled him with both arms, for Hanataro's will was heavier than he expected it, "This is for both of our sakes if you want to ask Miss Yuki out."

"C'mon! There are more people we could ask advice in the Seireitei other than Squad _Eleven_! They're _brutal_ and _bad_ and-and _mean_ and-!"

"…Our only hope. _Face_ it Hanataro. There's no place better to go than the one Squad full of the toughest and manliest men on the Soul Society"

"Exactly! That's the whole point! I don't wanna go inside! You can't make me!"

"Don't be such a chicken. Do it for Yuki-san"

Hanataro Yamada's muscles tensed. He felt tramped by the second he got there, to the monster's nest of which his nightmares recalled. The risk of getting mocked by the tugs those walls sheltered were as great as getting beat up by a handful of bullies lowered ranked than him and tossed to a garbage tank. And those weren't options. No matter for what or for who they were.

"Forget it, Izuru! Let's get back and ask Shuhei instead!"

Kira turned his head with a worn-out sigh, "He's as pathetic as we are"

"Shuhei, pathetic? …Ha… Oh boy, if he hears you say that…"

Both Izuru and Hanataro spun their heads in reaction of the new voice and cried in unison, "Yumichika!"

"_What_?" he tilted his head as he leaned against the wall next to the entrance door of the barracks, "And why are _you_ doing here Four Squad brat?"

"It's Hanataro Yamada" the Seventh seat said, turning his cheeks red for his nickname brat.

"Oh, whatever. _Well_? What is it?" He addressed Izuru with his glance, "You're up to something, so spit it already."

Izuru immediately folded his waist down in a bow and Yumichika frowned, "We need you're guidance Yumichika!" he acclimated, "Teach Hanataro and me how to be real men!"

"_Ex-excuse me_?" Yumichika's hands were hold upwards to them

"_Please_!" Hanataro, after a long hesitation before he remembered his Yuki's sparkling face, he joined Izuru with his bowing and pleading. If this didn't work there was no way they would any different case deep in the Barracks uphold, especially with the kind of man that Yumichika was.

But Yumichika's response wasn't one of the ones Hanataro expect it to be, "…Become men you say?" he echoed caressing each word as he spoke them.

Izuru lightly lifted his eyes to him, "Y-Yes! Please help us!"

The pause was filled with thrilled anticipation as Yumichika mumbled behind his lips. At the end he made a sound with his lips, "All right. I'll help you guys out"

Hanataro and Izuru sighed, pleased, "Thank you!" they both said returning their faces up.

"_But_" Yumichika lifted his finger up wards, stopping them abruptly, "I'm not the right person to give you a very _manly_ advice, so I'm gonna take you to someone who_ does_"

**. . . **

"_Teach you how to be real men_?" Ikkaku repeated those words to himself as he received two deep bows from both Izuru and Hanataro. While he scratched his chin and stared thoughtful at the floor, as if the words were written all over it, Yumichika leaned against the wall next to the door, "And what's you're purpose?"

Hanataro raised his body straight and scratched his nape as he blushed, "…W-w-weell…there's th-th-this gi-i-rl I-I l-ike… th-th-that I really want to invite h-her to a-a-a date, but… I've heard she only likes very muscular and tough men, so I um…"

"Se doesn't notices him and he's afraid to be rejected" completed Izuru as he stood up.

"…R-right. What he said…"

"Humph. And _you_ Izuru? Is it a woman too?" Ikkaku addressed the Lieutenant of Squad Three.

Izuru shook his head, "No. No, not at all…"

"What is it? Are you gay or something'?"

"_No_! Not that, Yumichika"

"Juz' sayin'"

"It's just that…Rangiku keeps bothering me! She humiliates me so easily I-I… Please! I need your guidance in how to be manlier!"

"Yes please! We'll be grateful!"

Ikkaku stared frowned at both bowing men and exchanged glances with Yumichika before saying, "So let me get this…You want to be manly _for_ a woman and you want to be manly to get _rid_ of a woman?"

"…Yes" they both sigh as they lifted up again.

Ikkaku stood on his feet, "All right, count me in"

Hanataro and Izuru smiled widely at the third seat, "Thank you!"

"But…"

Izuru and Hanataro frowned, "Now _what_?"

"If you need a very _good_ advice to be manly I know a person who could give you what it takes to be a _real_ man"

**. . .**

"So…let me get this straight" Kenpachi leaned forward his desk with his elbow over it as he pointed the Soul Reaper one at a time, "_You_ want to be a man to _get_ a girl. And _you_ 'cause Matsumoto scares the hell out of ya'. Am I wrong?"

Izuru sighed feeling how his face blushed. The same thing Captain Zaraki pointed out to him was the same thing that he told him before, so why did he felt so bad? "Yes Captain…would you help us?"

Kenpachi leaned on the back of his chair as he closed his eye to think. His fingers untwined together on his stomach and he scratched his nape before sayin', "I'm in. I'll teach you how to be a real man"

Izuru and Hanataro didn't know if to be grateful or be afraid of his help. But that afternoon their eyes were facing the wooden floor and neither Izuru nor Hanataro could feel their arms when thick beds of sweat went down from temples to chin.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! One hundred more! I can't hear you counting!" Ikkaku yell from above. And so Izuru's lips could only measure to emit numbers slowly as his arms struggled to lift his body up and down before up again.

After their feet stood again and their arms seemed that could fall off in any minute, Kenpachi past by them as they made a line. Zaraki stared at them from head to toe and abruptly stopped in Izuru's feet, "Your legs can't be shaking under your hakama, Kira" he scold.

"Captain Ichimaru tries to hide them too but no matter what I do or what my Captain does nothing seems to work"

"Are you afraid? Huh? Are you?" he growled staring so close at his face Izuru could sense his hot breath over his nose.

"N-n-no sir!"

"Then STOP SHAKING FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S ALIVE AND DEAD IN THIS WORLD!"

"..I-I-I-I-I can't!"

"Boo"

"AAAAH! Stop that Yumichika!"

Kenpachi walked down to Yamada, "_And you kid_? Are you a chicken like Kira?"

"No sir!"

Kenpachi scoffed, "Good!" he continued to walk side by side Well then…To be a man you have to be strong, stand firm. Eat meat, that's very important. Eat raw meat makes a man real"

"But, sir!" Kenpachi spun his head to Yamada Hanataro, "I have allergies"

"I don't care" replied Ikkaku.

"Me neither" said Kenpachi with a deep glare.

Yumichika leaned at the wall, "Nope"

Hanataro swallowed hard. Could this people be serious?

"What about women?" Izuru replied, "How can we …_deal_ them?"

Hanataro leaned to the new theme for this was his very reason of being there, "Yeah, Captain…The-they say that things going well with you and my Captain." Kenpachi's eyes frowned, "I-I-I mean… you have experience, so…What is it like? How do you do it to handle them?"

Kenpachi scoffed at the Soul Reaper and his very consistence questions as if he knew better, if he had being dating women for ages and could predict what they'll do, what they'll say… When the truth was that no matter how many years you've spend time, both day and night, with women, they weren't controllable, comprehendible and much less predictable. No matter if he knew the Captain of Squad Four for a century now she'll stop surprising him with her issues, her thoughts, her fucking worries…Being prepared wasn't the case when it came down to women.

So when he glanced at his officers he smirked saying to the Soul Reapers, "You asked me for a manly advice, didn't you? Well here's one: don't think about it. Jus' do it!"

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><p><strong>REview, comment support, LoL, tell a joke, welcome critiques and grammar corrections, beta readers wanted, etc.<strong>

**THANX 4 THE REVIEWS GUYS AND KEEP SUPPORTING THIS FIC!**


	4. Jingle All the Way

**Sorry for the deelay! i had problems choosing what to do next! hehe... anyway! hope u enjoy this and review!**

**YES! Inspired by the Shinigami Zukan! (Ilustrated Guide to Soul Reapers)**

**Disclaimer!: no! I dont ownie Bleach. Nop! Ken-chan, Yumi, Pinball-head and Lady Uno either!**

**Reminder: Rated _T_ for swearing and things that you might think... **

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><p><strong>Jingle All the Way<strong>

**(Seireitei's Greatest Mysteries)**

Ikkaku's knuckles trust their way to the door's surface, knocking as he called, "Captain! What's taking so long? We're late!"

If Ikkaku Madarame weren't the squad's third seat, this invading-privacy act obviously wouldn't have been taken place for Captain Zaraki wasn't well known by his sense humor. But Madarame was one of the few people in existence that could knock the Captain's home door without being blown a mile away by Zaraki's infamous kick attack.

In that instant a trembling voice came up from behind the door, "Everyone s-stay outside!" that dull voice stuttered as the third and fifth seat frowned, "D-don't you dare come in!"

Yumichika and Ikkaku exchanged glances, and sighed simultaneously.

The Captain's voice tone could have been hilariously shocking to anybody, but to Zaraki's subordinates out there waiting for him to come out for two hours now, it wasn't funny. Nop, not at all.

The tales about Kenpachi Zaraki's prepare-process-morning-routine originally came from the doubts about Zaraki's hairdo for everyday it was perfectly straight every morning. People stared to wonder if Zaraki ever slept at all to keep his hair spikes intact. And thus Kenpachi's hair legends were born and were hanged up on the wall of the Seireitei's most fascinated mysteries next to Captain Sajin Komamura's legendary tail.

For the _manly_ men of Squad Eleven this seemed insulting. Everyone feared at their Captain for, as they said, was the strongest captain of them all and this was a disgrace to his well and proud name and another excuse for the aggressive Soul Reapers of the eleventh to have a free, well deserved bullying attack at those who promoted and spread the mischievous stories of their leader.

Almost none of those stories were true, that was one reason. But the true, living reason for violent reactions to take place was for the gossipy Soul Reapers talking about itself.

The Captain's hair was an arduous work and could be classified and known well as crafting. What all of Zaraki's subordinates knew very well was that it took every morning approximately three hours to arrange, and if days like this one came by, the mission would definitely be spoiled thanks to the time the Captain's preparation stole from the short time limit the squad had to fulfill the General Captain's command.

Therefore, the squad specialized in battle wouldn't be capable of handing a simple-godforsaken mission in time. And later on, would only be opening the door for more mischievous-goddamned stories to give birth.

In conclusion, Ikkaku was getting pissed off, "What the hell is the Captain waiting for, dammit!" he snarled behind his clenched teeth.

"Ough, chill out, Ikkaku" Yumichika sighed, examinating his nails, "That's so unbeautiful of you. Worrying makes you ugly, ya' know. Besides the Captain's taking his beauty time with the mirror, everyone those that"

Ikkaku gave Yumichika a murderous glare, "You stupid freak, don't be so fucking gay! You're the only one that makes out with yourself in the mirror! The Captain haves dignity unlike you"

"Oh, shut up Ikkaku-jealous-pants. It's not _my_ fault that you haven't found your inner beauty yet"

"Oh, I shouldn't be arguing with you in the first place!" Ikkaku rubbed his temple in circles as his eyes were frowned shut, "Your logic is never worth fighting for"

"Ditto"

"Oh, _shut__it_!"

In that silence they recalled the reason for them be standing there staring at the door. And Ikkaku trust his knuckles once again to the Captain's residence entrance, "Captain! You're still there?"

"Ehm..um…D-DON'T COME IN YET!" Kenpachi's voice sounded nervous, and they didn't need to watch their captain to know he was sweating and trembling. His clumsy words made their subordinates doubt at him, as if he was hiding something conspicuous or embarrassing. If he would get in trouble if caught.

That didn't sound like the Captain at all.

Yumichika leaned to the door, "Captain, if you have any trouble with your hair I can help"

"NO"

Yumichika leaned his head back puzzled. The Captain just sounded like a five year old told to take despiteful bath. At receiving Ikkaku's gaze Yumichika shrugged.

"Captain, please!" Ikkaku insisted, "We'll be late! We'll miss all the fun!"

"STEP AWAY FROM THE DOOR"

"Oooh, C'MON Captain!"

"IT'S AN ORDER"

Yumichika sighed, "Waiting here all day makes me perspire. It's not good for my skin"

"WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN SKIN YOU ASS!" Ikkaku cried with the vein of his temple about to burst.

"Ugh, looks like _somebody_ is grumpy today"

With Ikkaku's rage in naked skin his teeth clenched together were the only things holding up the about-to-erupt volcano, "…Who. Are. You. Calling. _Grumpy_?"

"Well is not at your face, I'll give you that. It's rather disfigurated and demoniaticly _hideous_"

There are ways to making Ikkaku release his zanpak-to. And making fun of his pissed of-gargolic grimace wasn't one of them, "_Extend_, HOUZUKIMARU!"

The all-too-well-known transformation spread smoke to Yumichika's feet as Madarame exposed his Houzukimaru as three-part wood stab, "If you think my face is that hideous then let's settle this with a fight to the dead!"

Yumichika snorted, "A fight to the dead for your face? Tch. Geez, Ikkaku, I never knew you would ever fight for beauty"

"I NEVER SAID THAT YOU DICK HEA-!"

"Morning, gentlemen"

A soft-as-crystal-melodious-voice irrupted the manly affair as both men spun their heads to the newcomer, who curiously happened to be a Captain with a long braid in front of her and her hands together down. That famous smile of her was more intimidating than the Captain's spiritual pressure out of control, "Is everything alright over here?" Retsu Unohana grinned at the third and fifth squad.

"Captain Unohana…?"

"Yes?"

Ikkaku stared at her puzzled, "Excuse me when I ask this but, what are you doing here?"

Retsu responded, "Oh. I had some patients who were injured in a fight and so I came to threat their wounds and I couldn't help but notice you were arguing in a loud tone involving a released zanpak-to and threats… so I came to investigate"

It was odd how Unohana could make a violent situation sound so pathetic. Maybe was that messed up smile of hers that made even lions fall to the ground to kiss her feet.

"So" she proceeded, "Why are you standing here in front of your Captain's house looking so gloomy?"

Ikkaku opened his mouth to answer her but Yumichika jumped in first, "We're supposed to be on a mission like two hours ago and the Captain hasn't left his cave there" he said with crossed arms, "Thanks to him my skin is perspiring and its getting all sun bleached-"

"You stupid ass, don't exaggerate things on your favor" Ikkaku said sharply.

"As if"

"As if _what_?"

"What is he doing in there?" Yumichika and Ikkaku turned their heads to Unohana who had her ear on the door, and when she didn't had immediate response she added, "The Captain, what is he doing in here?"

Ikkaku frowned. He wasn't going to give her the advantage of his captain's private hour for her to spread the words to add info on the scandalous rumors of Zaraki's hairdo, "We don't kn-"

"Doing his hair"

Ikkaku glared at Yumichika with another murderous stare, "Way da go, you silent-blower-innocent-gay-narcissist"

"I can feel the love in the air" sarcasm wasn't Yumichika's biggest weapon of self-defense, but it worked for the time being.

Retsu all of the sudden opened the door and gave one last gaze at the officers who stared at he puzzled, "Th-Th-The door w-was opened?" Ikkaku asked awestruck.

"_It __wasn__'__t_" Yumichika said shaking his head with the same expression Ikkaku had.

When the door creaked open the Captain's voice roared, "WH-WHAT? I SAID NO BODY CAN ENTER! GET OUT! IT'S AN ORDER!"

And with this Unohana closed the door behind her. Yumichika and Ikkaku's ears quickly landed on the doors surface as they began to hear noises inside.

"WH-WHO DARES DEFY MY ORDE- _CAPTAIN __UNOHANA_? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE DAMMIT? HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE? THE HELL! GET AWAY! DON'T STEP CLOSER! NO! GET OUT! DON'T GET CLOSE YOU BITCH! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Stay still Captain" said a low female voice.

"THE HELL I'M STAYING STILL! GET OUT!... DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT? NO! UH-UH! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"

"Don't move Zaraki or I'll pull your ear like the little boy you are"

"WHAT? YOU STUPID BITCH! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! AH! GET AWAY!" a thud crashed the floor and something made of crystal fell along with some bells that jingled across the floor, "DAMMIT!"

"Zaraki, don't make me repeat myself."

"WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN? GET LOST! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME FUCKING SHIT!"

"_Kenpachi __Zaraki_" her sharp words even seemed scary from the outside, "_Or __you __stay __still __or __I__'__ll __pull __your __feet __and __glue __you __to __the __chair_"

"HAHA! LIKE IF _I__'__M_ GOING TO LISTEN TO _YOU_! WA-WAIT! WHAT THE FU-AAAH ! FUCKING BITCH! DON'T DO THAT! AAAAH! AL RIGHT-AL RIGHT-AL RIGHT-AL RIGHT!"

"Good boy, now sit"

"Screw you!"

Another loud thud crashed the floor followed by more crystal falling and clumsy footsteps, "ARE YOU-ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?"

"Sit!"

"Fuckin-!" another thud.

"No swearing, Zaraki" Unohana ordered sharply, "You're a gentleman so act like one- and no more words from you or I'll do it again. _Understood_?"

Kenpachi's melancholic laugh was herd, "You think you're so tough because you're a woman"

"If you mean that I'm taking advantage of you because you're too weak to hit a woman then the answer is yes"

"WH-WHAT? WHY YO-!" and another thud and more bells falling.

"No more words comin' from you, mister. I said silence"

"I'M NOT YOU'RE FUCKIN' DOG YOU-!"

And the last but hardest thud that made even the door shiver.

. . .

The door opened abruptly and a downcast Captain emerged to the daylight, carrying along a sharp spiritual pressure, a murder glare ahead, heavy and large foot steps and grumbles only he could hear. Ikkaku and Yumichika followed their Captain with their perplex view, not sure if they should whether follow him or stay behind and let him be.

Unohana closed the door to Zaraki's home behind her and smiled at Ikkaku and Yumichika before leaving, probably in the same direction she came, also followed by the third and fifth seat officer's gaze.

Nowadays, Retsu Unohana continues to be one of the Seireitei's number one biggest mysteries yet.

* * *

><p><strong>YAY! YOU SURVIVED MY GRAMMAR HORRORS! XD<strong>

**Reeeeevieeew TIMEEEE! U CAN WRITE A SMILY FACE IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY! LIKE THIS :D, XD, ^-^, X), 8)**

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